In becoming acquainted with people around the tantra community the question often comes up as to what can be done when one partner is into it and one partner is not. I grappled with this question for years and tried a few things to reconcile this. Looking back I feel as if one thing lead to another and the process was necessary for me. I am on this path without a formal guru so to speak. The elders that I receive knowledge from have noted that at this time gurus are not necessary to rely upon to build a solid and beneficial tantra practice. This makes it even easier for those who want to dabble or dive into the tantric arts. This also makes the art more accessible to the general public and people who do not initially see tantra as part of the spectrum of spirituality. Here I will discuss the things that I tried and what worked as far as being tantric without having direct partner participation.
1. Expose them to everything.
I bought videos, read him books, and discussed tantra over dinner trying to get him to "do tantra" with me. I was in the early exploratory phases myself and wanted him to dive in with me. Direct pressure is not a good way to get your partner's buy-in. After this stage I learned to let go and let there be an open invitation while also asking for his moral support during the exploration process for me. I realized in this process that one becomes tantric and does not do tantra.
2. Cultivate your yin and your yang.
Once I found out that there is a right hand path and a left hand path in tantra and that one path focuses on balancing yin and yang in order to move into expanded states of awareness within self I became enthralled with the idea of this. Finally I could do things on my own to strengthen my yin and yang aspects and see results in my life and in my spiritual practice and learn more about tantra. I did this for a while and I was satisfied with the results because they extended into my personal and professional life. I was especially happy about increasing my yin and learning to manipulate my yang energy. While this was great for my spiritual practice it didn't bring more satisfaction to my relationship on the level that I knew tantra was capable of so I stayed open to receiving more.
3. Create your own experience.
When our loved one has a birthday, we may plan an entire romantic evening to spend with them based on what we think they would like. Creating your own tantric experience with your partner is similar to doing this for yourself. One can set up for a romantic evening, incorporate things to enrapture all of the senses, and get ready to become the energy director in the situation. If you know what you are doing then your partners energy will follow. This is sometimes referred to as entrainment. It happens without discussing. It is the nature of how humans synch up when they are close. I'm open for consulting on technique, but practicing deep breathing and then learning the microcosmic orbit can be a delightful start to experiencing an expanded state of awareness with your partner. Information is widely available on this technique in many texts and online so I will not go into it here but this is one way that you can begin to create your own tantric experience with your partner present and it will invite more intimacy into the relationship.
Soon after starting this practice I realized that I had a remarkable amount of influence over my partners ejaculation time extending it or inviting it at my will. I was able to create a space of ecstasy for him and more ecstasy within myself than I had ever experienced. Sometimes I would continue to circulate the energy to create post coital bliss. After a few sessions of this, my partner would report feeling more rejuvenated and blissful as he went about his day. As time went on I became acquainted with additional breathing techniques that manipulate energy in different ways.
Additionally, if you want to be really successful at creating your own tantric experience with your partner please consider getting energy work and clearing your own energy. This is important because the clearer you are, the more effective you will be when doing this type of work (which is essentially a type of energy work with your partner). There are many different ways of doing clearing one's own energy but it is important enough that it should be touched on here. A simple way of doing this is to use sage spray on yourself with the intention of clearing your energy or burning sage and allowing the smoke to surround you with clearing intentions.
Many of us realize that when things come up in life our response to them is weighted more heavily than the stimulus with how we experience life. Your response to your partner's disinterest in practicing tantra does not have to shut down your ability to practice. Your experience and practice can continue in spite of their conscious participation because tantra is scientific enough that certain results are predictable when the right elements are present. If you add the right elements you can create a tantric experience with your partner, all directed by you. It is up to the artist in you to bring the necessary elements of the practice into play in your current space with your partner.
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